Life's Funny Like That

Who knew that getting caught in a torrential downpour of a thunderstorm could make oneself so introspective?

As I type this, sipping @a Red Stripe, I can honestly say I had what most people would call a "bad night." I found myself @work, working a shift I did not want to work (5p-1a), working through the frustrations my life has handed me as of late. I have to work w/my ex w/whom I've developed a lot of anger over the past couple weeks, and having to see her face isn't helping matters. I have friends that have fallen off the face of the earth where I'm concerned. Through it all, I'm working @a job I've come to hate, yet I'm currently not financially stable enough to leave, even when they're offering to pay me to leave. I've started to feel lost, not sure where my life is or where it's going.

To say things were coming to a boiling point is an understatement.

Sucking down the smoke from a Marlboro into my surely blackened lungs, I don't think it's all quite hit me yet.

After a night where I'm surprised I didn't find a wall to break my hands on from punching, I get a reprieve. I got out @11 instead of 1. As I exit my office and walk across the street to buy more cigarettes (I'm not an addict, I swear) I notice flashes in the sky and winds whipping up @an alarming rate.

This should have been a warning.

However, I was obviously too stupid to heed it, as I decide to forgo taking a cab home, thinking a walk home would do good to clear my head. "It's not raining," I thought. "I'll be fine," I thought.

Then the skies opened up.

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you and your emotions are tied closely to the happenings of nature around you? You may be walking down the street to birds singing, children laughing, and Mr. Sun shining down on you, love in your heart and a spring in your step, feeling good about life. You may be laying in the grass on a cool autumn evening looking up @a clear sky counting the stars, wondering if there are any other forms of intelligent life looking back @the same sky.

That's not what happened here. Never mind birds, rainbows, sunshine and other diabetic coma-inducing happy time things, this was some sort of "Chaos Theory on a bad acid trip" shit. I was pissed. And somebody knew it, because a storm was brewing (both literal and metaphorical) that would've cowered Satan himself.

And guess who had a half-hour walk home ahead of them?

And did I mention @the time I thought an umbrella was a good idea, and was dumb enough to use it, despite the fact that bolts of lightning flashed over my head, cutting the sky like a knife of daylight, ready to strike me down just to show me that fate has a sicker sense of humor than I?

Well, I just did. And believe me, I was doing plenty of lamenting @the aforementioned sick fuck fates as I walked, in between bouts of cursing and futile smoking of water-logged cigarettes. What should have taken about 27 minutes took about 40. Finally, I arrived @my apartment building, and I trudged up two flights of stairs, unlocked my door, and trod into my apartment. Soaked to the bone, pissed @the world, feeling outright defeated.

Now, to backtrack a bit, I had been sharing my frustration via text message w/a good friend of mine. When I walked in the door and started stripping down to take a much-needed shower, I shared w/her my experience of Me. vs. Torrential Storm. Before I stepped into the shower, I got this response.

"Was it beautiful?"

Despite my brushing it off @the time, as my body warmed to the touch of stinging rivulets of hot water, that's when it hit me.

I've been a fan of thunderstorms for some time. I find them incredibly fun to watch, and I even feel a certain level of eroticism towards them. Despite my emotions swirling in aforementioned soul-attuned display of nature that, to be honest, was starting to freak me out just a little bit, there was that little area in the back of my brain that, yes, did find it beautiful.

After washing and shaving, spending what felt like an eternity in my bathroom, I stepped out of the shower and found another text waiting for me.

"You can either enjoy the storm or just get wet."

This, friends, was one of those moments where it was half someone giving your their sincere sympathy...and half slapping you full-force upon your dome, telling you to get over yourself. Through it all, I've been feeling quite the sense of entitlement as of late, like I'm owed something for all the crap I've gone through as of late. It was @that moment that I wondered...do I even matter in the grand scheme of things? Why do I keep torturing my heart and my mind over such things, and is it doing me any good?

I think we all have those "crisis of self" moments throughout our lives. The real question is...where do I go from here?

It seems like my methods of coping have become contradictory. As much as I hate conflict, internalizing is destructive. To pull a 180, As much as I want to knock people on their ass and point out what they're doing, that just makes me the asshole. Then I go another 180, and it just becomes a cycle. 180 + 180 = 360, as it were.

How does one break the cycle? It's something I'm still working on to this day. The line between living for others you love and being a selfish prick as to not get manipulated and walked on is a very fine line, indeed. And my sense of balance is not the greatest, especially when I have a few drinks in me.

Right now, I'm feeling like maybe all I need to do is appreciate the small glimpses of beauty in life...no matter how wet I get.

It's a Long Road Ahead

Had an appointment w/my counselor today, and we talked about some of the troubles I've been having, as well as how to work on my own confidence and self-worth instead of relying on others.

I will admit that how others treat me or perceive me (especially those I consider close to me) shapes how I feel about myself. I think that's natural. But it's becoming a detriment. It's making me handle things in a negative way, and only making things worse, which in turn is making me feel less of myself. And it needs to stop.

Now, I know I have a lot of positives. I know I'm a good, caring person w/many good qualities that other people like about me. No one can take that away. But now it's a matter of building up that knowledge instead of knocking it down w/negativity. It's not going to be easy by a damn sight, but, as they say, nothing worth doing is.

She also suggested in the two weeks before my next appointment that I start writing down positives. Whether it's something negative I feel I handled in a better manner than I normally would, or just something I accomplished that I'm proud of myself for, write it down @the end of the day. And it sounds like it could really help. We'll see, shall we?

After my appointment, I decided to take advantage of the absolutely beautiful weather today and take a walk. I first ended up @Gamestop. During the quieter bits (school vaca, so kids were coming and going throughout) I conversed w/the guy behind the counter, and talk turned to working there. He mentioned how he started working there 4 hours a week, no retail experience, then got into his current position. He also told me if I were to come in even only part-time, get in as an Assistant Manager, shadow and whathaveyou, I could work my way up and make even more money than I'm making being a phone monkey @Verizon, w/full benefits and all sorts of other perks.

I tell you, it's something I'm considering. I still need to work on getting my license, taking care of my debt, building up some savings, etc. But, if all that fell into place (especially if I get the opportunity to take a buyout from VZ, which could net me a good $20k), I really could see myself there. I definitely have the knowledge, and having 6 years in good standing under my belt w/one of the biggest corporations in the country doesn't hurt either.

Oh, and I went to Big Lots and bought socks. Three packages, in fact. I was long overdue.

Come on...who doesn't like the feeling of a brand-new pair of socks on their feet? It's almost up there w/meat and sex.

I don't wear socks during sex, though...because, a girl can pull that off. For a guy, that shit's just goofy.

Yes, That's Don Knotts

I don't have much confidence in myself. I've known it for years.

The question is, how I can have confidence when it seems everything I do to confront and resolve a conflict brings nothing but more conflict, anger, resentment, hurt feelings, and feeling like my efforts are in vain? I'm still figuring this out, and it's bringing me dangerously close to losing very close people in my life. What more do people want of me, and what more can I do to fix things? Where is shit going wrong, and why?

I've been told I don't listen. I try to listen, I'd like to think I do, but I'm obviously missing something, and I'm still racking my brain as to what. And I'm feeling like more and more of an idiot because of it. What do you do in that situation?

On a more positive note, as I'd prefer a straight-on education into my preferred "dream field" (web design and the like) instead of more pointlessness, as well as something more flexible, I'm really starting to look into taking online courses. I looked @Devry and Kaplan, and I'm really not sure about either. I found out UMass has a decent online curriculum, so I may look into that. Good thing my job has tuition reimbursement.

Now, about those driving lessons...phone book ahoy!

* Insert Hilarious Title Here *

I swear, women are confusing as hell sometimes. How do I deal w/it?

I've got an ex that's currently in a relationship w/a guy who's in Iraq @the moment. It sucks to know an ex is apparently happier w/someone thousands of miles away, who she might be able to see twice out of the year, than w/the concept of being w/you. A girl who you do so much for, yet, it doesn't seem to matter some days.

I've got a lady friend who sends out a lot of mixed signals. She shrugs off compliments or spurns affection, or she tells me she loves me, we talk, we flirt, we enjoy each other's company. If it wasn't for distance and the complications that can entail, I'd want to be w/her in a heartbeat. I'm not sure some days how she feels about me, despite her telling me so. There's the rub.

That's just a couple examples. The point being, it seems any time a girl I have feelings for, whether past or prospective, shows love and affection towards someone else, it drives me into an irrational inner dialogue. What does he have to offer that I don't? Why the mixed signals? Do you even appreciate the things I've done for you?

Despite the fact I should, I really don't like vocalizing feelings like this, for the fear of all of a sudden, I'm the asshole, and I'll pretty much lose everything because I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't like stirring the pot. So, unfortunately, it often leaves me w/o the balls to stand up and say what I want, and how I truly feel. Sometimes I wonder if this is the problem. That I lack the ability to man up and do what I need to do.

I mean, is it solely me? Is it all in my head? What do I do to fix it? All I know is it's caused a lot of sleepless nights in a bed that gets very lonely.

Do I fight for what I want in my heart? Do I even know what I want? Would it make any difference in the end?

Or am I just nothing but a pathetic, jealous fool?

Texas-Bound, Gilligan's Island and Pot and The Pope of Trash

I'm now counting down the days until I fly out of Massachusetts to enjoy myself in the Lone Star State. Getting more excited (and a little nervous) every day. I found out my first night there will be spent going to a local Dallas hangout (the name escapes me @the moment) for general merriment and a Guitar Hero competition. I just might join up for shits and giggles, as $5 is quite reasonable. I still have to figure out what I'm packing and also to empty out my camera to leave plenty of room for pictures galore, as I'm sure I'll be looking like the stereotypical tourist in that regard. Also, many pics of my gorgeous host will be taken. Because I can. :D

My St. Paddy's was uneventful outside of work. Work itself was a very busy day, due to all the new people in the office. They had me running around doing Facilities and such, making sure everything was in working order and whathaveyou. Also, free food is always welcome where I'm concerned.

The rest of the day was spent @home, drinking Killian's, puttering about on the Internet, wrestling on the TV in the background (I barely paid attention anyway) and laundry. They can't all be wonders of social activity.

I have to say I was amused to read about Dawn Wells (aka Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island) getting caught w/pot in her car.

DRIGGS, Idaho - Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island," is serving six months' unsupervised probation after allegedly being caught with marijuana in her car.

She was sentenced Feb. 29 to five days in jail, fined $410.50 and placed on probation after pleading guilty to one count of reckless driving.

Under a plea agreement, three misdemeanor counts — driving under the influence, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of a controlled substance — were dropped.

On Oct. 18, Teton County sheriff's Deputy Joseph Gutierrez arrested Wells as she was driving home from a surprise birthday party that was held for her. According to the sheriff's office report, Gutierrez pulled Wells over after noticing her swerve and repeatedly speed up and slow down. When Gutierrez asked about a marijuana smell, Wells said she'd just given a ride to three hitchhikers and had dropped them off when they began smoking something. Gutierrez found half-smoked joints and two small cases used to store marijuana.

Personally, it's always funny to read about people older than my grandparents and their non-medical fun w/marijuana. Just goes to show you there should be higher priorities in this country than the War On Drugs, @least where weed is concerned. I'd like to think the $ and energy could be spent better on, oh, I dunno, education, the homeless, taking care of unregistered sex offenders, closing the gap between middle and upper class, environmental issues, so on and so forth. But nope! Those pot-smoking layabouts who play violent video games are the DEVIL!

For those of you who know me, I'm a big John Waters fan, and have been ever since my first fateful viewing of Pink Flamingos almost 10 years ago. Now, your average movie-goer has probably never seen a John Waters film. Your average movie-goer probably never wants to see one. Depending on which entry in Mr. Waters' filmography you watch (whether Flamingos, Hairspray, or Cecil B. Demented, among others) will probably sway your opinion. One movie I'm waiting w/bated breath for a DVD release is one of his earlier works, Multiple Maniacs. And that is mostly because of this:

How many movies do you know of where the climax is a very large drag queen getting raped by the cheesiest monster lobster (named Lobstora, mind you) you'll ever see in your life?

I don't think it needs mentioning that the following may be considered NSFW. You have been warned.

It's safe to say I'm not like most people where it comes to cinematic tastes and what amuses me in general.

"Absentee Friends," Simians and '80's Music and General Hilarity

You know, I did tell myself I was going to keep this current. Thankfully, I have a little more initiative due to a reader who gets bored during the day and requested new material.

Who else gets annoyed w/friends who drop off the face of the earth? Seriously.

It gets to be a pain in the ass when I hear things like "don't be a stranger" or "we should hang out more often" while I'm twisting arms for social contact. And it's not like they lead busy, jet-setter lives. Whether it's the onset of WoW addiction, being a hermit @home alone or just laziness(?), it seems there are days where people lose the motor skills and common decency to take 30 seconds out of their "hectic schedule" to return a phone call once in a while, or even (SHOCK! HORROR!) call, IM or e-mail me out of the blue. Am I the only one that sees this? Am I expecting too much of people? How much longer should I be the one making the effort? I dunno. But it's things like that which give a moment of clarity to being a pack-a-day smoker (i.e. stress).

The 2nd counselor appt. is tomorrow. First one went better than I planned on, though I'll bet dollars to donuts I'm going to start not liking to talk about shit like my twunt of a mother, my shortcomings w/the opposite sex, and whathaveyou. @least I have the rest of the day off. Beyond doing some tidying up and sitting in front of the Wii playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl, I've yet to know what'll be going down.

There's reasons I <3 the Internet. And, to allude to the title, I'd like to share a few.



Though there's chocolate much better than Cadbury's (don't even get me started on the wrongness of those Creme Eggs), it's quite the amusing spot.

Speaking of the animal kindgom...



WTF IS THIS SHIT?!?

"Hundreds of dogs, many dressed as babies or clowns, were taken to celebrate mass in this Nicaraguan town on Sunday, an annual ritual where the owners pray for their pets to be cured or avoid falling ill.

...

The faithful thank the saint for curing their pets or ask for the dogs to be protected from illness. The town's priest always conducts a special canine mass."

Good gravy. If I could have whatever they're smoking in search of "religious enlightenment" (riiiiiiiiiiiight. -Ed.) then I'd be a laidback motherfucker like no other.

Away from that Latoya Jackson-looking thing and back to me...

I have purchased a plane ticket for my trip to Texas. Now it's just a matter of mind over, uh, matter concerning my fear of riding the giant steel birds, as well as actually getting to the airport. I still look forward to the trip w/great enthusiam, though. Also, thinking about the warm temperatures leaves me engorged.

Can you tell I'm sick of weather in New England?

British Comedy and Dealings With the Ex

Wow, this quickly fell by the wayside. And this is me trying to remedy that.

Found out recently that the ex has been seeing someone for the past few months. Who, I should mention, is currently stationed in Iraq. My feelings are quite conflicted. On one hand, if she's happy, that's all that matters, right? On the other hand, however, it's kind of a low blow to realize that you're no longer the special person in your former S.O.'s life, as much as you tried, yet they're (apparently) perfectly happy w/someone who's on the other side of the world and who they'll never see until (maybe) October. Life's got a sick sense of humor like that, I suppose. Gives the nights @home alone a certain sarcastic and "Take THAT!" level of poignancy.

I'm convinced I ate a baby and kicked a puppy in a past life.

Yes, I indeed enjoy the humorous stylings of our former colonial oppressors, especially Monty Python. I own every episode of Flying Circus, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail was the first DVD I ever owned.



Come on, how is that not funny?

After weather-related delays, my first counselor appointment is tomorrow morning, which I will have to drag my ass out of bed to get to. I'm still not sure how it's going to go. We'll just have to wait and see, shall we?

On another more positive note, after a visit from my good friend Rachel, which I enjoyed a lot (company is welcome when you live by yourself), I'm now looking forward to flying down to Texas to visit my friend Karyn. I've never traveled this far, nor have I ever left the East Coast, nor have I ever stepped foot on a plane. But if there's a gal who could make that all worthwhile, it's her. The end of March can't come fast enough for me. Here's hoping she feels the same. :)

What? More Python, you say? Well, I'm not one to disappoint my faithful readers. I'm sure they're out there, hmm?



I still need to learn the ins and outs of this page, so don't be surprised if you see some changes to layout and all that. Pictures will probably be had as well. Keep an eye out.