It's a Long Road Ahead

Had an appointment w/my counselor today, and we talked about some of the troubles I've been having, as well as how to work on my own confidence and self-worth instead of relying on others.

I will admit that how others treat me or perceive me (especially those I consider close to me) shapes how I feel about myself. I think that's natural. But it's becoming a detriment. It's making me handle things in a negative way, and only making things worse, which in turn is making me feel less of myself. And it needs to stop.

Now, I know I have a lot of positives. I know I'm a good, caring person w/many good qualities that other people like about me. No one can take that away. But now it's a matter of building up that knowledge instead of knocking it down w/negativity. It's not going to be easy by a damn sight, but, as they say, nothing worth doing is.

She also suggested in the two weeks before my next appointment that I start writing down positives. Whether it's something negative I feel I handled in a better manner than I normally would, or just something I accomplished that I'm proud of myself for, write it down @the end of the day. And it sounds like it could really help. We'll see, shall we?

After my appointment, I decided to take advantage of the absolutely beautiful weather today and take a walk. I first ended up @Gamestop. During the quieter bits (school vaca, so kids were coming and going throughout) I conversed w/the guy behind the counter, and talk turned to working there. He mentioned how he started working there 4 hours a week, no retail experience, then got into his current position. He also told me if I were to come in even only part-time, get in as an Assistant Manager, shadow and whathaveyou, I could work my way up and make even more money than I'm making being a phone monkey @Verizon, w/full benefits and all sorts of other perks.

I tell you, it's something I'm considering. I still need to work on getting my license, taking care of my debt, building up some savings, etc. But, if all that fell into place (especially if I get the opportunity to take a buyout from VZ, which could net me a good $20k), I really could see myself there. I definitely have the knowledge, and having 6 years in good standing under my belt w/one of the biggest corporations in the country doesn't hurt either.

Oh, and I went to Big Lots and bought socks. Three packages, in fact. I was long overdue.

Come on...who doesn't like the feeling of a brand-new pair of socks on their feet? It's almost up there w/meat and sex.

I don't wear socks during sex, though...because, a girl can pull that off. For a guy, that shit's just goofy.

Yes, That's Don Knotts

I don't have much confidence in myself. I've known it for years.

The question is, how I can have confidence when it seems everything I do to confront and resolve a conflict brings nothing but more conflict, anger, resentment, hurt feelings, and feeling like my efforts are in vain? I'm still figuring this out, and it's bringing me dangerously close to losing very close people in my life. What more do people want of me, and what more can I do to fix things? Where is shit going wrong, and why?

I've been told I don't listen. I try to listen, I'd like to think I do, but I'm obviously missing something, and I'm still racking my brain as to what. And I'm feeling like more and more of an idiot because of it. What do you do in that situation?

On a more positive note, as I'd prefer a straight-on education into my preferred "dream field" (web design and the like) instead of more pointlessness, as well as something more flexible, I'm really starting to look into taking online courses. I looked @Devry and Kaplan, and I'm really not sure about either. I found out UMass has a decent online curriculum, so I may look into that. Good thing my job has tuition reimbursement.

Now, about those driving lessons...phone book ahoy!

* Insert Hilarious Title Here *

I swear, women are confusing as hell sometimes. How do I deal w/it?

I've got an ex that's currently in a relationship w/a guy who's in Iraq @the moment. It sucks to know an ex is apparently happier w/someone thousands of miles away, who she might be able to see twice out of the year, than w/the concept of being w/you. A girl who you do so much for, yet, it doesn't seem to matter some days.

I've got a lady friend who sends out a lot of mixed signals. She shrugs off compliments or spurns affection, or she tells me she loves me, we talk, we flirt, we enjoy each other's company. If it wasn't for distance and the complications that can entail, I'd want to be w/her in a heartbeat. I'm not sure some days how she feels about me, despite her telling me so. There's the rub.

That's just a couple examples. The point being, it seems any time a girl I have feelings for, whether past or prospective, shows love and affection towards someone else, it drives me into an irrational inner dialogue. What does he have to offer that I don't? Why the mixed signals? Do you even appreciate the things I've done for you?

Despite the fact I should, I really don't like vocalizing feelings like this, for the fear of all of a sudden, I'm the asshole, and I'll pretty much lose everything because I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't like stirring the pot. So, unfortunately, it often leaves me w/o the balls to stand up and say what I want, and how I truly feel. Sometimes I wonder if this is the problem. That I lack the ability to man up and do what I need to do.

I mean, is it solely me? Is it all in my head? What do I do to fix it? All I know is it's caused a lot of sleepless nights in a bed that gets very lonely.

Do I fight for what I want in my heart? Do I even know what I want? Would it make any difference in the end?

Or am I just nothing but a pathetic, jealous fool?